


Rise of the Velociraptors

by avelociraptor



Category: Doctor Who, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Velociraptors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avelociraptor/pseuds/avelociraptor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This has something vaguely to do with Daleks, Sherlock, TARDISes, and velociraptors. If you don't want to read absolute and utter nonsense, don't even think about reading this. But apparently the end is sad. One-shot. We do not own any of the BBC characters in this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rise of the Velociraptors

The sun is blue. The sky is pink. There is a pterodactyl in the ocean. There are fish in the sky. The pterodactyl leaps out of the ocean, grabs a fish in its talons, and falls back down with a splash. The sun smiles. It stops smiling when Rassilon's TARDIS flies into its nose. I give you a hamburger. Don't eat more than one, or you'll turn into an addict, into, gasp! A roly-poly McFatMuffin!

The fish wage war against the land burritos. But the burritos are winning because they are crunchy. The pterodactyl is sad because his food supply is decreasing.

Out of nowhere, a vampire Dalek emerges, its fangs gleaming in the light of the submarine in which it is sitting. It tries to bite the pterodactyl, but the pterodactyl is too fast. The Dalek is so hungry, but no one wants to be eaten. Oh, the sad, sad, life of a vampire Dalek!

A small child descends from the heavens to bring peace to the land but is eaten by the Dalek. In the depths of a volcano, the muffins sense a disturbance. They bumble up to the surface and throw blueberries at the Dalek, who realizes biting is wrong and starts to cry. The pterodactyl becomes sexually frustrated and eats the Dalek. Captain Jack likes Daleks, so he flies into the scene, saves the Dalek, and pulls out the Dalek's favorite toy.

The burritos form an alliance with the muffins. Then their volcano erupts and all but one of the muffins burn. The fish conquer the country of the burritos. The sun explodes, shooting Rassilon's TARDIS to the ground. It lands on the sky fish and land burritos, wiping out both races. It is allergic to burritos, so it vomits onto the pterodactyl. The vomit knocks the pterodactyl out of the sky, sending him hurtling into the McFatMuffins. Rassilon walks out of the TARDIS, sees a plate of hamburgers, and eats them all.

A roar can be heard in the distance, muffled at first but growing louder. It is the miniature velociraptors; they are coming. Rassilon takes out his laser probe, tries to shoot them, and misses.

A desk walks into a bar. The bar melts because it's made of ice. The desk is wet and sad. Sexy materializes in and hugs the desk. They fly to Cardiff for their honeymoon. This angers the velociraptors. The velociraptors try to fly, but they are too small. They fall into the still-erupting volcano and die.

Halfway through their honeymoon the desk runs away with Rassilon's TARDIS. The flight to Cardiff almost kills it since Cardiff is made out of latex. It is allergic to latex, so when it lands in Cardiff, it dissolves into a puddle of acid.

The scent of vanilla wafts over Cardiff, and its inhabitants freeze in fear. They are here. Milk oozes from their eyes, and their claws wiggle in anticipation. They are the Mamama, and they are hungry.

Rassilon follows his TARDIS to Cardiff and gives her an Epipen. The TARDIS rebuilds herself and runs to the Mamama, who have eaten the desk. They run in fear, milk streaming from their eyes, claws shooting ketchup.

Suddenly, a man falls from the sky. He has curly hair, a long black coat,

a blue scarf, and purple underwear. He resurrects the velociraptors. He takes his coat off, and the velociraptors gasp in surprise. He has an extra nose where his belly button should be!

Back at the volcano, the nation of tissue boxes have conquered that once belonged to the muffins. Sherlock eats a potato and goes to the volcano, where he eats a tissue. He is now an honorary Disney princess. Watson walks in and steps on his head. He is a Cyclops. The velociraptors swoop in, pick everyone but Sherlock up, and throw them from the sky at Sherlock. Sherlock, bruised and bleeding from the smiting, stumbles through the hallway. He hits an escalator, trip, and lands at the bottom, dead. Everyone is dead except the velociraptors, who live happily ever after.


End file.
